Forgiveness of Sins
by Starr Bryte
Summary: Even though the battle is over Cloud still needs a little help adjusting to peace. Good thing they haven't given up on him yet!
1. Star Light, Star Bright

**Dear Reader,**

**After getting a review from someone who knows more about FFVII than I do I did some research and now realize that part of this story was wrong. I redid it and this should be more correct than before... Sorry for my mistake... This goes to show that I should research if I don't get it the first time... And stuff... **

**I just bought Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and I LOVE IT! It's soo beautiful and wow and sigh...Even though I've never played the game it was easy to follow along (it also helped that in the extras they do a summery of the game and show the important bits). So I decided to write this short little ficlet... I may turn it into a drabble series, but who knows... Some of the drabbles may turn into bigger stories but only time will tell..**

**I do not own FFVII:AC.**

**I don't own the song 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'**

**Thanks to my friends and thanks to my reviewers blahdyblahdyblah.**

**Stay safe**

**Stay healthy**

**Sincerely,**

**Starr Bryte**

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There were nights when Cloud couldn't sleep. He would lie awake in bed and stare up at the ceiling. Whatever thoughts came into his head, be it the memories of Aerith, Zack, Sephiroth or Kadaj, were either pushed away violently or lingered over painfully. It was on nights like those that Cloud would go up to the roof. The bar was far enough into the Old City that the stars were clearer and the moon was brighter. He would sit and stare at those stars and try to guess the ones that were the souls of the ones he had loved. But he never could. There were too many stars. Each one overwhelming the other. The wide swath of the Star River dragging the other stars with it in it's course across the heavens. It was late spring and already too hot to bear. The air was warm and pleasant during the night, yet swelteringly hot during the day. It was stifling indoors. At least that was the reason Cloud blamed for his lack of sleep. It was almost a love hate relationship he had with the night. Night was when darkness seemed to overwhelm the world and shadows lurked at every corner. Or at least that was the reason he blamed for his over cautious watchfulness on the roof. It was Wednesday. The exact middle of the week. It was late. Past midnight. He only knew that because Tifa had closed the bar at eleven, cheerfully shooing the stragglers out. Tonight he had avoided his bed altogether. It would just be another night of staring at the ceiling and jumping at shadows, be they that of memory or delusion. The ribbon on his arm tickled his skin, reminding him that it was always there. Like she was always there. Watching over them. Watching over him. What he wouldn't give to have her sitting next to him, watching the stars and telling stories to him. She had always been able to calm his nerves. But she wasn't there anymore. He was alone.

A soft sound made him tense and turn. He listened hard. There is was again. The sound of tiny feet trying to be quiet coming up the stairs. He turned to glance over his shoulder as the door creaked open softly. Marlene peeked around the door at him. Her hair was down and she was wearing the little pink sleeveless nightgown that Tifa had bought for her. Turning back to the stars he leaned back on his hands.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked softly.

"No..." Came the soft reply.

"Mmm." Cloud hummed and scooted over to make room for her on the ledge. Marlene padded over and sat down next to him.

"You can't sleep either, Cloud?" Marlene asked softly.

"Hmmm-mm..." Cloud shook his head. There was silence for awhile, simply staring up at the stars before Marlene shivvered a little. Even though it was warm, the breeze came from the desert and was cooler than the air of the town.

"You cold?" Cloud asked. Marlene shook her head stubbornly, positive Cloud would make her go back inside to bed. Cloud's lips twitched a little and he reached over, picked her up and placed her on his crossed legs so she was pressed against the warmth of his body and protected from the wind. She was so tiny that Cloud was positive he could've picked her up with one hand. The cold didn't bother him and he was only wearing a thin tank top and a pair of sweat pants. Marlene snuggled up against him and continued to stare up at the sky.

"There's my mommy's star!" She said suddenly, pointing. Cloud looked up.

"Where?" He asked. She jabbed her finger at the sky.

"There!" She said, "That smallish star where my finger is... The one that flickers every so often like it's laughing." In a small voice she said, "My mommy had a pretty laugh... I don't remember it, but Daddy always said she did... He said it sounded like silver bells... And... He said that he can hear her laughing whenever I laugh... He says he doesn't miss her as much when I laugh..." There was silence for a moment before Cloud asked hesitently.

"...Who else can you see... Up there in the stars...?" All was quiet for a moment as Marlene looked before she pointed.

"That star up there... The one at the center of that triangle of stars? That's Denzel's daddy and his three sisters..." She said, "I never knew them but Denzel did and he used to talk about them all the time... and they remind me a little bit of Denzel..."

"How do you know it's them if you never knew them?" Cloud asked suddenly, "How can you pick them out of all those stars?" Marlene laughed and it was a beautiful sound, just like bells, and Cloud wanted to hold that laugh close to his heart. Maybe it would make him feel less lonely if he did. In that moment he understood why Berret always smiled when Marlene laughed. It was impossible not to feel happy when she was.

"Because..." Marlene said, "They remind me of them..." Then she snuggled closer against him and yawned, "It's easy to find the person you love, even when they are a star among thousands... All you have to do is find the star that reminds you of them most..." Her voice began to slur a little with sleep, "With a little practice... You can... Too..." Then she was asleep. One hand curled up in his top, her head pressed against his chest. It was an odd feeling to have someone so dependent on him. It was a protective, fierce feeling. A powerful feeling. That tiny life was depending on him. Relying on him. Trusting him. And he wanted to protect her. To keep her safe. To keep her smiling. To keep her warm and living and shining as brightly as a star herself. Tentativly, almost as if he were afraid she would dissappear or break, he wrapped his arms around her. Holding her close and keeping her warm. Looking up at the stars again he simply stared at them. Admiring their beauty and how each star seemed to be different now. Like people. No two were the same. Clusters of stars were families. Some stars were in pairs and some were alone. One caught his eye. It was a small star. It twinkled as if it were dancing. It reminded him of the time he had caught Aerith dancing to no music. Her pink skirt twisting around her legs, her feet flickering out as she gave tiny little hops as she turned. Her arms twining over her head. And he knew. It was her star he saw in the heavens, dancing and twirling through the sky. It made him smile. A soft, small smile that only a few had ever witnessed. And near Aerith's star was another star. It was bigger and tinged slightly blue. It's light twinkled and he was reminded of Zack's laughter and how he could hug cloud with his voice alone. Zack's star and Aerith's star were close together, but far enough apart that there was space between them. As if they were saving the place of another star.

"One day, my friends..." He murmured to them, "One day my star will join yours..." And he didn't think of that day with bitter longing, but with a soft feeling. A feeling almost like joy. He had more to live for now than the day he died. He had to keep those he cherished safe. He had to keep them warm and protected. It was a vow gladly made and he knew it was readily accepted.

"Cloud...? I can't find Mar-oh... She's with you..." Cloud turned his head to glance up at Tifa before turning back.

"She said she couldn't sleep." He said. Tifa laughed softly as she sat down next to him.

"Looks like she's sleeping now..." She said, reaching out to gently brush the hair off Marlene's forehead.

"We were stargazing." Cloud answered Tifa's unspoken question, "She was showing me her mother's star."

"Yeah." Tifa said, "Have you found anyone we know up there?" Cloud pointed at the tiny, dancing star.

"There." He said. Tifa cocked her head to the side and smiled.

"Aerith still loves to dance it seems." She said as she stood up, "Want me to take Marlene back? She'll catch cold out here." _And you should come in too before you get sick..._ was left unsaid. Cloud shook his head.

"I'll take her in soon." He answered, "You go ahead."

"Okay..." Tifa said, standing slowly and brushing off her bottom "Don't stay out too long. You have to make that trip to the next town tomorrow."

"Mmm-hmm.." Cloud nodded, "Good night."

"Good night Cloud. See you in the morning?" It was a double layered question. Would Cloud still be here by the time the children left for school?

"Yes." Cloud said and the way Tifa beamed at him made him feel slightly guilty as he watched her walk back inside. He hadn't always been there when they needed him, yet they still believed in him. Still wanted to be near him. He turned back to stare at Aerith's star.

_Is that so surprising Cloud?_ The star seemed to asked, _Is it so surprising that they want to be near you? That they love you?_ Cloud smiled again, an oddly happy yet self-depricating smile.

"Not anymore..." He murmured, "Not anymore."

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Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the sky you creep

While down below a vigil keep

Although you never shut your eye

Until the sun is in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are


	2. The Only Thing That Matters

**Dear Reader,**

** Well... Here's my second drabble thingie... It was going to be shorter, but I just couldn't help myself. Did you notice the wolf symbolism? I did. Cloud wears a wolf's head earring and the emblem on his shoulder is also a wolf's head. Tifa wears a wolf's head ring and Denzel has another wolf's head ring on a chain around his neck. But Marlene doesn't have one... So it kinda goes into that.**

** As I said in my first drabble I have not played the game and have no clue what kind of relationship Barret has with his daughter. So I thought 'How would my father react if he had to go away and leave me for two or some years? How would he react when he'd see me again?' So I just went with it.**

** Has anyone noticed how FFVII:AC came out right before Mother's Day? Coincidence? I don't THINK so... Ah, how I love symbolism.**

** I don't own FFVII:AC**

** Thank you to my Mother for all she does for me. This is for you Mommy, I love you so much even though I don't always show it! Kisses and hugs to you!**

** Thanks to my friends and my reviewers you are a huge support.**

**Thanks also to my Great-Aunt-By-Law (my mom's sister in-law's mother) for planning out my entire future in three short hours. What next Auntie dearest? A matchmaking session? I could use one! You ROCK!**

** Stay safe  
Stay healthy  
Sincerely,**

**Starr**

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The rain was falling in big fat drops, washing the world clean. That was how Marlene saw it. Each one was a miniature prism that caught the sunlight and caused miniature rainbows to dance and sparkle until they shattered on the ground. Denzel could find no joy in the rain. His head hurt, as if there was an itch on the bone that he wanted to scratch, but his skin was in the way. It hurt. Sometimes it faded away and he was able to breathe properly. But most of the time now it was a persistent headache. The disease stealing away both his strength and concentration. The light hurt his eyes. The flickers of rainbows the light shot through the drops dazzled his over sensitive pupils. The only comfort was Marlene's hand in his. The only hope he had that the pain would go away was the mantra he repeated over and over to himself.

"He said he'd come back... He promised..." He didn't know how long they waited. The weight of the necklace Cloud had given him hung heavily around his neck like a promise.

"_We're a family."_ He had said not so very long ago when he had come home one night with a box. Inside were two rings, a pendent and an earring. One ring went to Tifa, who had looked like she was going to cry when she received it. Although whether from joy or sadness Denzel was unable to tell. The other ring went to Denzel who put it on his father's chain and wore it around his neck. Marlene had refused the pendent. She had smiled that brilliant smile and simply told them that she already had a family and, although they were apart of it, it wasn't the same. Cloud had nodded as if he understood and wore the earring and pendent himself. The sound of a door slamming open downstairs made them jump.

"Denzel!" Tifa called, "Marlene!"

"Marlene-baby!" A deeper voice boomed. Marlene gave a small squeal and raced for the door, her hand still gripping Denzel's so she was half dragging him with her.

"DADDY!" She cried, pounding down the stairs. She only let go of Denzel's hand when she reached the bottom before flinging herself into the arms of the large black man who had stopped Denzel from doing something foolish and suicidal, like taking on a thirteen story tall monster all by himself. It was odd. The rough mountain of a man hugging Marlene looked nothing like her. Of course Marlene did say she took after her mother more. For a moment Denzel was jealous. Marlene had a family to return to. A father who obviously loved her and had only left to make a place for himself so he could properly take care of her.

"Daddy, your squishing me..." Marlene giggled, but other than that she didn't seem to mind, hugging just as tightly while Barret mumbled over and over.

"Babybabybabybabybabybaby." Denzel looked around the bar. Tifa and Cloud's friends were all there watching them. But where was Cloud?

"Where's Cloud?" He asked, desperation leaking into his voice. Cloud had said he'd come back. He'd promised he'd come back. He promised! No. He hadn't promised. He had simply nodded his head. That could've meant anything. No. Cloud didn't say something or acknowledge anything unless he meant it. He did mean it. He was coming back. But if he promised he was coming back then where. Was. HE! The world swayed around Denzel sickeningly. His head was hurting again. The weird, itchy ache just behind his skin. He put his hand to his head and suddenly they were paying attention to him.

"Denzel?" Tifa cried, concern in her voice.

"Lessit ya down, kid." Cid said, helping Tifa guide him to a chair.

"Denzel?" Marlene asked, pulling out of her father's hug, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." He said, even though he knew they knew he was lying, "I'm fine. It's nothing."

"Yup." Yuffie chirped, "He's Cloud's alright."

"What does that mean?" Tifa demanded, grinning. Yuffie shrugged.

"Oh nothing... Just that Cloud's rubbing off on him. 'Oh, I'm fine. It may look like I'm bleeding to death, but it's just a flesh wound. Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and suffer in silence.'"

"He never said it like that..." Red XIII protested.

"But he meant it like that..." Vincent muttered.

"Where's Cloud!" Denzel asked again, his voice rising. He wasn't here. Were they going to wait for him here? Barret kissed his daughter's cheek, still balancing her on his hip.

"Tha's woot we're tryin' to figger oot, laddie..." Cait Sith mumbled in his thick brogue.

"We thought if we came here, it would be easier for Cloud to find us." Tifa said. Marlene suddenly stiffened and looked out the door that was still half open.

"Auntie...?" She whispered. Then she hopped out of Barret's grasp and began pulling on his hand.

"Daddy! I know where Cloud is!" She grabbed Tifa's hand too and began to pull them towards the door chanting, "I know where Cloud is! C'mon! C'mon! We're gonna be late!"

"Whoa, whoa there, baby... Where do you think Cloud is?" Barret asked. Marlene let go of his hand and grabbed Denzel's pulling him to his feet.

"She says he's at the Church and we have to hurry or else we'll miss him!" She cried desperately. Tifa groaned and nearly slapped her own forehead.

"The Church! Why didn't I think of that!" Then she to was herding the others out the door, "We'll get their faster on the _Sierra_ right, Cid?" She asked.

"Wha? The Church? Sure it'll only be a five minute flight by 'er." He said as they jogged to the ship. By then the rain had stopped and the sun was shining brightly, sparkling on the newly cleansed world. Soon enough they were flying over Edge and entering the old slums of Midgar. Denzel found he had to sit down again. He hurt to much to really enjoy the sensation of flight. He looked up as Barret, once again holding Marlene, walked up.

"So, you're Marlene's big brother, huh?" The large man asked. Denzel's eyes widened in shock as Marlene nodded enthusiastically.

"Yep!" She said, "He takes good care of me.." Barret grinned.

"You've been doing a good job, kiddo! Keep up the good work!" He boomed. Denzel gulped.

"Thank you... Sir..." He said.

"BAH!" The ex-minor scoffed, "Don't even start the 'Sir' crap. People calling me 'Sir' makes me want to look and see if that Shinra-psychopath is behind me. If you have to call me anything call me 'Uncle'. We are family after all." Denzel smiled slowly. It wasn't the same as his old family. Wasn't as steady as the blood ties he had once shared. But it was his and it would have to do.

"Thank you... Uncle..." He said again.

"Don't mention it, kiddo!" Feeling stronger he stood up and looked out the window as the _Sierra_ came in for a landing. Already children and their families were gathering. The siren song of a voice all the children seemed to know guiding them to the church. To the spot where She-Who-Speaks-To-The-Planet had shed her blood for them. The spring where the waters were steeped in the lifeblood of the planet that sheltered them. There they would wait at the water's edge. If they waited, Cloud would come. He promised. Cloud would come back. If they waited. If they were patient.

"Now what?" Barret asked, holding Marlene's hand in his.

"We wait." She said. One of the sicker children reached out and touched the water. She gasped and almost fell in as the marks upon her arms and legs glowed green and faded.

"Momma!" She cried, "I'm all better!"

"Holy water..." Came the whisper from the adults, "A sacred place..."

"She's here..." Murmured the children, "She was always here to take care of us..."

"Why don't you get in?" Yuffie asked Denzel, "The water is like the rain... It'll make you feel better..." Denzel shook his head.

"Not yet." He said stubbornly, "Cloud's not here yet." Yuffie sighed and rolled her eyes at his stubbornness, but in a way she understood. She felt incomplete not knowing where Cloud was. In a way, those she had fought with and fought for her more her family than those she had lost long ago. Denzel refused to heal unless his foster father was there to see it. And as they watched and waited the center of the pool began to bubble and churn like a pot of boiling water.

"He's coming." Marlene cried happily. It was as if the spring spit him out. As if he were a part of the spring water. One moment the water bubbled and boiled, the next Cloud was rising to the surface. He floated there for a moment before his heavy denim clothing, logged by water, began to drag him down again.

"Catch him!" One of the girls cried, jumping in, "He'll drown!" Taking her lead a few of the older and healthier children waded in and grabbed him, making sure he stayed on the surface. There was silence for a moment. Just the sound of water sloshing against the rocks. The scent of lilies filling the air. Then he stirred.

Cloud blinked and opened his eyes. Squinting in the bright sunlight. Slowly he stood up, staring at the crowed with a slightly bewildered look. It made Tifa smile. He was almost always bewildered when he woke up in an unfamiliar place. Sometimes he even looked bewildered in a familiar place. He seemed to get his bearings a little when he saw the stain-glassed windows. He looked around, but didn't seem to notice them. Yuffie snorted.

"Typical..." She muttered. A small girl with pigtails smiled up at him.

"It's just like she said." She murmured happily, "Wait here and Cloud will come back."

"Welcome back!" The children chorused, "Welcome back! Welcome back!"

"Welcome home..." Those simple words from Tifa, spoken so softly she doubted he could hear her, made him turn. His eyes seemed to drink them in, as if he had thought he would never see him again. And maybe he had. That thought caused tears to spring into Tifa's eyes. It was one of the reasons why he had left. Because he had been sick. Because he had been afraid that if he stayed he would only make them sad. But there was no sadness now. And the warmth in his eyes made her feel as if her heart were whole once again. He nodded.

"I'm back." He said softly, and for the first time a small, embarrassed smile curved his lips. And that was the only thing that mattered. Even when he had lifted Denzel into the water and let the spring take away his pain. Even when the children played around him. Even when, for a moment, his face had paled and he had looked as if he had seen a ghost. The only thing that mattered to Denzel, the only moment that Denzel kept close to his heart, were those two little words. 'I'm Back'. It made everything alright again. And it was the only thing that mattered to him. The only thing that mattered at all.


	3. Arms Of An Angel

**Dear Readers,**

**When I first heard the song 'Arms of an Angel' after I had watched Advent Children, I cried. It fit Cloud so well it wasn't even funny. What's even weirder is that I wasn't sure who his angel was. But it fit. And I had to write this...**

**When I was in seventh grade I went through this phase... I think it's a version of depression, but I don't remember being depressed. But I slept. A lot. I'd get home from school at around 3:45 and I would go straight to bed, sleeping until 7:30 in the morning when I would get up and go to school. I remember being really tired and everything was really sort of muted and hazy. I have never taken sleeping pills, but I have been addicted to sleep. And I do know what it's light to be put on a drug that puts you to sleep. Dreams are far more wonderful than real life. You can go anywhere and do anything. **

**That experience is sort of the main background of this story. I won't blame you if you get confused but just think about this. Cloud doesn't give a flying rat's golden anus about where he is. He doesn't care about the future or even the present. He's just sort of existing. Not even since he's in Lala Land most of the time... You'll see...**

**The lack of scene breaks was also intentional. That way everything sort of runs into everything else and there is no real sense of time. I know what that's like. It's not that pleasent and darn right confusing.**

**There might also be some OOCness so I apologize for that in advance.**

**I do not own Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.**

**I do not own 'Arms Of An Angel' by Sarah McLauglin.**

**Thank you to Lone Warrior2 and Irvine for kidnapping me for the weekend. It was lots of fun! Kidnap me again sometime and we'll do more cool stuff! Still working on BoD, but the next chapter should be finished soon! Huzzah!**

**Thank you to Everfire for kidnapping me on Friday! I can't wait to hear more! Kidnap me again soon! I think I'll have the big pretty picture done sometime next week!**

**Thank you to LarLarFunnyBunny for inviting me to her graduation party! I wish I could've stayed longer but Lone-chan's dad needed the Jeep. I'll have your gift for you the next time I see you! **

**Stay safe  
Stay healthy  
Sincerely,**

**Starr**

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Guilt is a thing with fangs. It tears into the flesh and hollows out a person from the inside. It rips the heart into tiny shreds. It devours the soul. It mauls the mind. It kills slowly.

Any thought of remorse was suddenly like a death warrant. One must forgive himself before he can ask forgiveness from others. And he had never forgiven himself because the one person he wanted forgiveness from was gone. She wasn't coming back. There were no second chances, no matter how long he waited.

It would never be okay. He had left her when she had needed him the most. If he had been there. If only he had been there. When she had needed him he had abandoned her. It was the same as if he had taken the sword and stabbed her himself. And even if he had been there. Even if he had been standing right beside her, he probably would have failed her anyway. It would have been worse. Even if he had been there, he probably wouldn't have been able to save her. Because he wasn't good enough. He would never be good enough. He was not good enough.

Even after Sephiroth's death, he doubted himself. He hated himself. The guilt ate away at him. Stealing his strength and his will. Even though he had won, he still lost because what was winning when the person he had fought for was dead because he had failed.

So he left. He went as far away as he could. Some place where the memories couldn't catch him. Some place where nobody would find him. And with the loss of strength and will and with guilt eating away at his heart, it was easier to sleep. The dreams were so much better than reality. In his dreams she was alive. In his dreams she smiled and laughed. In his dreams she sang to the flowers and danced in the rain. In his dreams she walked with him and held his hand his scarred, calloused, bloodstained hand.

And when he couldn't sleep on his own the sleeping pills did it for him. The drugs and guilt taking him away to a place where he mother was still alive. Where Zack was still alive. Where she was still alive. Where he wasn't this broken, useless thing that had no right to live while she had died.

He couldn't remember where he was exactly. Far from Midgar, he hoped. Far from the memories of pain and terror and lonliness and guilt. He couldn't remember. But wherever he was, it was dark and he could sleep. But peace was becoming harder to come by. Some days he felt empty and weightless. Some days peace covered him like a blanket. But some days he would lie there, staring at nothing. Memories parading before his eyes. Happy ones hand in hand with sad ones. Despair and joy. Memories of companions that he had left behind. They deserved whatever happiness they could get. They didn't understand. Well... One understood, and looking at him was too painful. To live a damned life seemed far worse than never living at all. And that's what he was doing. For awhile he had hope. For awhile he had been able to pretend he was content. For awhile he believed in the future.

But restlessness soon ate at him. He couldn't escape the past. He couldn't escape the lies. He could pretend and pretend, but in the end he was nothing without his lies. Now that they knew the truth he was nothing. He was just a person, wielding his best friend's sword. Trying to fill his best friend's shoes. So in the end he had escaped again. Unable to watch life passing by without him. Without her. It was easier to live in this dream world and lie once again. This time to himself. To believe that she was alive.

He didn't know how long he had been there in the dark. It had been a long time. He only got up to eat now, and even then it wasn't much. His funds were running out. A decision had to be made. But he didn't have to make it until he had to. The remains of the pill was making him lethargic. Dangerous. If someone attacked him he would be helpless... But what was the point? The only enemy worth worrying about was dead. No longer a threat. And anyone who could find him deserved to catch him. And with another pill he slipped back into oblivion and the warmth of her smile.

He was pulled into a semi-wakefulness at the sound of the door knob. The rattle of someone trying to get in. His instincts twitched. Danger. Threat. Trap. Ambush. Fight. But he couldn't move. He didn't want to move. His eyelids felt to heavy to even lift. _Rattlerattlerattle _

_**WHAM!**_

The door blew back on its hinges and Cloud winced inwardly. He didn't have the money to pay for that.

"Yo! Cloud man we finally-What the hell!" Cloud knew what it looked like. He didn't care. He was too tired to care.

"Cloud?" Reno's voice was softer this time. He felt him there. The lithe redhead was standing near him. Standing over him. Staring at him. Cloud finally found the strength to peel an eye open, but it was all a blur.

"Damn, what's he been taking?"

"Reno, look at this..."

"Damn... You're drugged out of your skull right now, aren't you..." There was more anger in Reno's voice than Cloud had ever imagined possible, "Damn you, you asshole, you think this'll solve all your problems?"

"Reno..."

"Damnit..." The haze lifted for a moment and Cloud saw Reno, one hand raked through his bangs, glaring at him in frustrated rage. Then Rude was there, peeling an eyelid back. Cloud wished they would go away. He wanted to tell them they could jump off a cliff. In that moment he hated them more than he had hated any other person, but he couldn't understand why. Then Rude was lifting his wrist and checking his pulse.

"It's amazing that he hasn't O.D.'d himself yet..." The bald man muttered.

"Yeah... A fucking miracle..."

"Go make a phone call... Tell her we've got him..."

"What! You want me to be the one to tell her! She'll rip my fucking head off!"

"She won't kill the messenger..."

"Yeah right..." The last thing Cloud saw was Reno walking out the door, cell phone already in hand, and Rude staring at him over the top of his sunglasses. Then all faded once again to black.

The dream was different this time. He was lying in a bed, not a mattress on the floor. Someone was holding his hand. He knew it was a dream. In his dreamworld she always held his hand. Her soft fingers pressed against his. But these hands were different. They were calloused and scarred. A fighter's hands. Strong. Capable. But the softness was feminine. It was a familiar hand. A hand he knew. He opened his eyes with the greatest of effort, but everything was hazy. Not quite there. He got the impression of dark hair. A white top. Dark eyes. He concentrated and he saw that the one who held his hand was crying. And for the first time he felt guilty for something else. It was a sharper guilt than that of the guilt he felt for letting her die. This was the guilt of causing another pain. She was crying. And he didn't want her to cry. Why was she crying? The question nagged him and nagged him. It dragged him from the haze. It shoved him into wakefulness. His tongue felt thick and unweildly. His mind felt scattered. The threads of thought and awareness unraveling as he grasped for them.

"Why..." He managed to rasp. She gasped and stared at him.

"'Why...'?" She murmured, "You ask ME why?" The tears seemed to fall harder, "I should be asking YOU that!" She choked, "You left without ever saying good-bye!"

"...Hate...Good-byes..."

"You could've at least told us that you were coming back!"

"Wasn't..."

"Then you could've told us where you were going!"

"...Couldn't... Where...?"

"You didn't even know where you WERE!"

"Didn't care... Hurt..."

"We all hurt... We could've helped each other!"

"...My...Fault..."

"Of course not."

"...Yes..."

"Fine. Even if it was, that was no excuse for just leaving! We missed you! I missed you!"

"...why..."

"..." She blushed scarlet and he forced his eyes to focus just so he could watch. When she met his eyes again they were still red and watery. Still full of pain. The pain he had put there.

"Because..." She said, "You're all I have left!" She glared at him stubbornly. Angry. So angry. "My offer still stands..." She continued, "Come live with me. We'll figure all of this out!"

"...Hurt you..."

"You hurt me worse when you just leave! As if you don't care!"

"...Hurt you..."

"I can take care of myself!" Now that familiar pain was coming back. The one that too his heart and ripped it. The knowledge that he was only leaving to protect them. That they would be safer not knowing him. Because he cared he left them. Because he loved them he had left them. Now it was his turn to choke on his words through a throat gone tight with that pain.

"...You'll die...!" And she looked at him. Really looked. And she understood. And a small smile graced her lips.

"Oh, Cloud..." She sighed, "That's what you really believe isn't it." Then she leaned foreward and wrapped her arms around him. He froze. He lay there and her warmth was a living warmth. She breathed. Her heart beat against his own. And the peace that suddenly covered him at the scent of her hair was a natural peace.

"We'll just have to take care of each other then, won't we?" She murmured. The peace trickled through his veins and made him sleepy. The haze was gone and now an exhaustion of mental and spiritual strength wrapped around him. Finger gently scratched through the hair at the back of his neck.

"Sleep now..." She whispered, "I'll protect you tonight..." And he did. And he knew that it wasn't a dream, because even though she had held his hand she had never held him. And the one who held him now wasn't as fragile as the one who he had let die. Maybe. Just maybe, he could live again. For her. His angel.

_You spend all of your time waiting for that second chance  
For the break that will make it 'Okay'  
There's always some reason to feel 'Not good enough'  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release  
Memories seep through my veins  
They make me empty and weightless, and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

_In the arms of an angel, fly away from here  
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
In the arms of an angel; may you find some comfort here_

_So tired of the straight line, that everywhere you turn  
There's vultures and thieves at your back  
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies  
That you make up for all that you lack  
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time  
It's easier to believe  
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness  
That brings me to my knees_

_In the arms of an angel, far away from here  
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
In the arms of an angel; may you find some comfort here_


	4. Only Room For One

**Dear Reader,**

**This started out as a random plot bunny I was never planning to finish. It was inspired by a piece of Cloud/Aerith fanart I found called 'Until Death Do Us Part' and it was really sweet and cute. The artwork was a picture of Cloud and Aerith's wedding. It was really pretty and I describe it in the fic. I was going through some of my older fics today when I found this and suddenly, before I knew it, I was finishing it.**

**Writing Drunk!Cloud is hard. Because Cloud's personality is so reserved I didn't want to make him too out of character so I decided that he will be an honest drunk. The kind that can't lie to save their life and also end up spilling things they would otherwise not say. I think it's cute. And because I'm mean I say that Cloud can't hold his liquor in a paper bag. So there.**

**I love the card game 'Crazy 8's' my mom and I play it every Saturday afternoon at 3 o'clock sharp. It's getting to the point where I'm kicking her ass every single time... It's a great game to play when you're board and I had Tifa and Cloud play it because I could just see the gang playing it. I'm not really sure why... I'll probably end up writing a fic about it later on...**

**I have always been a Cloud/Aerith fan but my two friends Lone-chan and Irvine disagree. They gave a very strong argument as to why. It also doesn't help that they look and act exactly like Cloud and Tifa. It's scary. And then I went to AnimeIowa as Aerith and they went as, surprise surprise, Cloud and Tifa. And my views suddenly changed. And this is what I believe what Aerith would want. **

**I love the extra clip that comes with Advent Children. 'Remenicenses of Final Fantasy VII'. I love the one-sided conversation Cloud has with Tifa at the end and I wanted to know what the other side of the conversation would sound like. So I finished it. **

**The ending of this fic might seem a little skewed, but I like it and thought it was cute. Cloud needs to let down his guard a little, especially if he wants to get anywhere with anybody. **

**I don't own Final Fantasy VII.**

**Here's to all of my friends, especially those who went to AnimeIowa with me. Here's to the other Aerith I met at AnimeIowa... You are a very sweet person and I'm glad I met you. HERE'S TO THE RAINBOW SLINKY OF AERITHNESS! WHOO HOO! Here's to my friends who COULDN'T go to AnimeIowa... Better luck next year... IT'S GONNA BE IN CORALVILLE! WHEEE!**

**Here's to my reviewers. I love you.**

**Stay safe  
Stay healthy  
Sincerely,**

**Starr**

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Cloud had never had a high opinion of alcohol. It stole the senses, made people careless. Made them weak. Made them lose all sense and inhibition. It disgusted him.

It was one of the reasons why, when Tifa brought out two bottles of her finest and offered him one he vehemently refused. She only smiled and set it in front of him anyway.

"Barret took the kids for the night. The bar is closed. It's just us. You know this town is protected." She said. He shook his head again.

"I don't drink." He said simply. Tifa fought an eyeroll.

"You never drink."

"..."

"You never know what something is like until you try it."

"..."

"Okay... How about this..." She pulled a deck of playing cards out of her pocket and Cloud had the sneaking suspicion that she had planned this, "We play a game of '8's'. Winner gets to make the looser do something. Anything at all. Deal?" She held out her hand. Cloud stared for a moment. It was a trap. He knew it. It was staring him right in the face. But...

"Deal." He said, shaking her hand. Tifa grinned triumphantly and began to deal out the cards. It was a game both had learned how to play. Cid had taught all of them one night when nothing was really happening and Yuffie had been swiftly sinking into boredom. Even Vincent had played, which was an odd sight to see. Cloud wasn't bad at the game himself, his smooth facade almost impenetrable.

His only reaction when Tifa beat him in one round was a surprised blink.

"You've gotten better..." He said softly.

"I taught Marlene and we play each other." Was the answer, "Now lesseee... As the winner I want you to take a drink from that bottle sitting in front of you." Cloud glared at Tifa before turning his gaze to the bottle.

Cloud's glare had the uncanny ability of making strong men want to pee their pants. It had even caused Sephiroth himself to blink. But his friends had developed an uncanny immunity to his glares. If the bottle had any sense at all it would have either thrown itself from the table or exploded from fright. But it simply sat there. Waiting for him. Mocking him. Growling softly he pulled out the cork and took a drink. Whatever it was, it tasted sweet. Kind of like peaches with a slight fizz to it. He blinked in surprise before lowering the bottle back to the table.

"Good?" Tifa asked. Cloud blinked at her before nodding.

"What is it?" He asked. She smiled.

"Desert wine. I decided on something not too strong." She said, shuffling the deck and handing it to Cloud who then dealt the next round.

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Much MUCH later the bottles were more than half empty and the duo had decided to sit on the roof and watch the stars. It had been Tifa's idea and Cloud had accepted, feeling somewhat loose and sleepy and far, FAR too relaxed in his opinion. Tifa who had a much MUCH higher tolerance than he did, was content to just lean on him before she remembered the mission that Yuffie had assigned to her. She didn't want to ask, but she had to admit that she was curious.

"Hey Cloud..." She murmured after a few minutes of companionable silence.

"Mmm..?"

"Have you ever thought about where you would be now if Aerith hadn't died?"

"..." The silence was so long that Tifa began to believe she had made a mistake by asking such a painful and personal question. She opened her mouth to apologize, but before she could Cloud was answering.

"I was going to ask her to marry me." Tifa blinked. Then she blinked again and took a swig from her bottle before answering.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"What kind of wedding?" Cloud drank from his bottle and leaned against her.

"A simple one..."

"I know that... But everyone has some idea or daydream about what they want their wedding to be like... What was yours?"

"It was going to be simple... Nothing big. The ceremony would be held on the _Highwind_. All of our friends would be there. Some people we know from business. Not very many. It would be in the hold as we circle Midgar. She would be wearing a white sun dress with flowers in her hair. Barefoot and free. The reception would be in the Hanger and there would be flowers everywhere. And while everyone celebrated we would leave and begin our life together. Somewhere far away." It was the most Tifa had ever heard Cloud say in her entire life. And for a moment she could picture it. Aerith in a white strapless dress with black accents. Her hair loose with flowers woven into the comb of her veil. Smiling and so happy that you can't help but be happy with her.

"That's beautiful..." She said. He nodded and took another swig. The silence was slightly strained for a moment before Cloud spoke again.

"She would've said no."

"What?" Tifa blinked at him for a moment in surprise, "No? Why?" Cloud's smile was bittersweet.

"Because she knew that it wasn't me who was in love with her. It was the 'Zack' in me who loved her. And she was still in love with him."

"But Zack was already dead by then." Tifa protested, "Didn't she want to move on?"

"She knew that I was in love with someone else and that if I married her I would always be confused."

"Now I'm confused. Didn't you love her?"

"Yes."

"You wanted to marry her?"

"Yes."

"Then why would you have been confused?" She asked. At this Cloud laughed. It was a small sound and it made his eyes twinkle. That plus the flush on his cheeks from the alcohol made him look vulnerable and adorable. She could feel herself blushing as her breath caught. In the moonlight, starlight and streetlight he looked like an angel fallen from grace. Sweet and bitter and beautiful and scarred and kind and jaded. So jaded.

"Tifa." He said, and the way he said made her blush even more.

_Damn bubbly..._ She thought ruefully, hiding her nervousness with another drink.

"Mmm?" She hummed, swallowing.

"There's only room for one 'Love of my life' in my heart..."

"Then why were you confused?" She had to ask again. Surely the answer was obvious. Cloud turned to look up at the stars once again.

"Because the 'Zack' in me was in love with Aerith... But the 'Cloud' in me had always been in love with you..." He said. If Tifa had been any other person the bottle would probably have slipped from her fingers and either would have broken or spilled all over her shoes. He turned and his smile became impish. Tifa thought she was seriously going to faint and she couldn't decide whether she had made the right decision in forcing Cloud to drink. This was a side of Cloud she had only seen once when they had been young. She had thought it had long since died. She had also thought he had forgotten about her. That made her doubly wrong. The boy she had known was alive and well, only muted and protected by layers of grief and guilt. Slowly Cloud leaned forward until she could almost count the faint freckles on his cheeks.

"Want to know another secret?" He whispered conspiratorially. Tifa slowly nodded, still too shocked for words. Slowly, carefully, cautiously he leaned even closer until she was almost drowning in the blue of his eyes.

"The 'Cloud' in me still is..." And before Tifa could decide if he was going to kiss her or if she was going to kiss him or faint, Cloud slumped against her shoulder and passed out.

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The next day Cloud acted as if nothing had happened. She had left him a glass of water and some aspirin on his desk for a hangerover and, even though he squinted painfully at the light that streamed through the window, he seemed perfectly fine. Tifa didn't know whether or not to hope that he remembered what he had said or what had happened. So she too acted as if nothing had happened either.

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Two days later Cloud was out on his rounds when she got a call for a delivery. Dutifully she called his cellphone and nearly dropped her own when, instead of the voice mail she got him.

"Yeah, it's me..."

"Cloud? Really? But you never-" Quickly clearing her throat she got back to business, minutes weren't cheap, "I have a message for you... Are you out on the rounds?"

"All I got left are the Midgar deliveries... Why? Did a client come it?"

"Yeah."

"Tell them no. I'm taking tomorrow off..."

"What! Why?"

"No reason..."

"But you never take the day off... Wow..."

"...Hey, Tifa. Can you close the bar tomorrow?"

"Sure! No problem! It's fine!"

"Hn. That was easy."

"So, I should clear the schedule?"

"Okay. Tell Denzel and Marlene."

"I will.."

"I'll see you later..."

"See you later..." After she hung up another call came from Yuffie, telling her about the packages and the sign for Cloud. In the years since she had met Cloud, Tifa had never laughed so hard.

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Cloud has a better opinion of alcohol now...


	5. Promises, Promises

**Dear Reader,**

**OMG, it's been so freakin' LONG since I updated ANYTHING… Life happened and I had to rush to keep up so I got almost nothing done. But now that school has started once again I'll have the time inbetween classes (and during, coughcough) to once again start posting fanfiction.. w00t!**

**I don't own Final Fantasy VII**

**This fic was inspired by the song Fix You by Coldplay.  
**

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It was the look in her eyes he hated the most. The question that went unasked in the deafening silence between her farewell and the click of the door as he left. He still didn't have an answer for her. Maybe he never would. Even though he promised. He promised and he promised to so many people that the thought of disappointing them made him almost sick. He wanted, oh how he wanted, to be the person they wanted him to be. But change was slow. The open road beckoned with expanses less traveled by and the open sky called with a siren song full of stars and wind and engine roars. The echoing silence of the barren wastes were more comforting than any warm embrace. But it was the emptiness that always drove him to distraction. Anything to keep the voices away… or at least at bay. They taunted and teased with restless nights and suffocating days. Especially those days when the sun shone so bright it pained his eyes and the sky threatened to swallow him up. Especially those night when the air tasted so clean and thunder rolled clear across the mountains.

There were days he couldn't look into he mirror without retching. He couldn't face them. Their hopeful eyes and cheerful faces. The happiness the held together in a vain hope that time would fix all ills and heal all injuries. But it wasn't that easy. They didn't understand. Well… There were two that came close. Surprising… yet understandable. It was difficult to see the world as hopeful when so much bad had happened. Some injuries and ills could not be healed or cured with time alone. Some things could not be made better at all. But he had promised. No matter how much it hurt he had to keep going. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. But it was so easy to stumble and fall. Sometimes he thought it would be easier to just go to sleep until the pain went away. But he had promised. And sleep wasn't all that it was cracked up to be anyway.

He hated it most when they cried. Their tears leaving salt stains and redness, stuffy noses and hoarse voices. He envied them. Maybe he would be able to smile for them if he could just cry one tear. One single tear. But there was nothing inside besides the pain and no way to let it out.

He had promised them. He had promised them until he was almost sick with it and still didn't know what he was promising. Maybe he never would.


	6. All Roads

**Dear Reader,**

**Another one of those spur of the moment monologue thingies… Hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Final Fantasy VII**

**Stay safe  
Stay healthy  
Sincerely,**

**Starr**

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The road went ever on and on, twisting and turning from where it began. Far ahead the horizon lingered on, unattainable, unavoidable. The roads less traveled on were the ones he always tried to take.

Sometimes he'd find pleasant surprises. Homestead and fields, little pockets of civilization and tiny hamlets of quaint villages and towns tucked away in surprising locations. Sometimes he'd find nothing but road and wilderness for untellable and unforgiving miles. A grey drudgery unending.

He knew she hated it when his deliveries took him so faraway. No. It wasn't that she hated it… she was resigned when it came to his job. It wasn't about the money, omni knew it wasn't about the money. They had enough, they all had enough. But there was a need to stave off the horrible drudgery of inaction. The feeling of boredom setting in with a terrible choking sensation. The suffocation of peace.

The delivery service allowed him the luxury of running as far as he could, as fast as he could without ever really going anywhere. The illusion of freedom it gave him was enough. He could pretend he was happy as a chained vagabond. Always traveling, never moving.

Yuffie understood it best. Responsibility was the bane of adulthood. Whining and bitching wouldn't cure it. Not that he would if he could. Contentment was a form of blanketing lethargy that he resignedly welcomed.

Sometimes his travels would take him so far he would be forced to spend the night. Or two. Most nights he would spend under the stars, one hand on his sword the other pillowing his head. He had no need for a blanket. But some nights there would be inns. The common room a bustle of cheerful chatter and warm firelight. Of people relaxing and socializing afte4r a hard day of surviving. Songs and laughter and gossip. He always claimed the farthest corner, a silent, singular audience to those few hours of someone else's life.

A man talking excitedly about the new baby. An old man telling stories and stamping his cane sharply on the floor to make a point. A young couple shyly sharing a meal. Workers companionably quiet as they washed the dust from their throats. A group of young men eyeing the waitress appreciatively as she sashayed knowing through the crowd. A couple of middle-aged men playing a heated game of chess, friendly banter snapping back and forth. An old couple celebrating their anniversary and still so very much in love. A family on a night out. The bartender playing matchmaker for a lonely man and a depressed woman.

All of this he saw and would see again in a different time in a different inn. Always the same generic struggle for survival. Invisible in the crowd he watched and pretended that he was one of them instead of the silent observer that he was.

The map was a crisscross of roads, a chaotic tangle of multicolored lines. But, to him, no matter how far and winding the roads, they all seemingly led back to the same place. The charming entrapment of comfort and caring that many would call a home.


End file.
